My Story is Not Over Yet (Poem by Devon Leahy)

The following poem has been shared to us by a survivor of intimate partner violence.


Stop.
It's in my head but not in my words,
It reaches my mouth but his words overpower mine
He says relationships are about giving and taking
You have to compromise.
So I do what it takes to make him happy,
Inside and outside the bedroom.
When I want to cry 'stop!',
I remember that I am compromising,
That I am making him happy.
That's what relationships are.
Giving and taking,
So I give him what he needs me to.
And take the time to push the memories
Into the back of my mind.

But I would not compromise
When my Mom got involved.
If he wanted me to feel pain, that's fine,
But when I knew my Mom would be in pain
Combing the streets for me,
I drew the line.
I did not stop compromising for me,
I did it so my Mom did not have to feel pain.
So I gave my Mom what she wanted,
A breakup.
And took the time to push the memories
Into the back of my mind.

But this time they did not stay there,
Lectures and presentations of the definition
Of compromise and consent poked and prodded
What I so neatly stored
In the corners of my brain,
I realised what had happened
And what was done to me.
I tried to spit the disgusting feelings into a bottle
But realised drowning them was easier,

Stop.
The cycle is repeating
His actions are intimate
But his words are not.
I clearly write the storyline on my wrist
But he ignores it,
Takes what he needs,
And disappears.
I continue the storyline
But only for myself.

Stop.
How did I end up
Drunk and in a bedroom with a guy alone?
I want to open my mouth,
But it is still sewn shut
From the past.
I cry and cuddle with another guy,
But all it does is make me vulnerable,

Stop.
Why am I letting myself fall for another?
I know I will get hurt
But my heart feels safe with him.
I feel no need to compromise
And he does not ask me to.
I let him see the real me,
He only unpeels the first layer
And he leaves.

Stop.
Touch the bottle.
I write  my story in a place
Only I can see,
Give a hint of it in a post
That noone I know will ever understand.
I let my pain and grief help others.

Don't stop.
Keep helping others.
I forget my pain,
Focus on theirs.
I may not be able to help myself
My pain will take time to resolve,
I cannot give myself any relief,
But I can help the,.
Give my little bits of wisdom
And hope it helps ore than
I can help myself.

Don't stop.
Help others.
My story will not  live on my body,
It  will live in the memories
Of those I have helped.
My story is not over yet.
Your story is not over yet.

If you would like to share a poem or story as part of your healing from abuse, please contact us.