The Misogyny is Coming from Inside the House

I recently came across an interesting Facebook group which, contrary to most Facebook groups, really got me thinking. “The Misogyny is Coming from Inside the House” shows examples of women who exhibit misogyny, both towards themselves and other women. But, more than that, it’s a place where women who realise they harbour internalised misogyny can come to grips with that realisation, talk out their feelings and grow and learn.

Browsing this Facebook group’s posts made for incredible reading. Countless women recounted the moments they understood why they held the views about women they did and the efforts they were making to change their ways. It also made me realise internalised misogyny is a “trend” that never went away. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at some commonly expressed sentiments among women and engage with their underlying meanings.

Image Description: A dark photo of a person sitting sideways on a window sill looking down, out the window. Their back is resting against the right side of the window frame. Their right knee is bent, while their left is stretched straight out. They have shoulder length straight, dark hair and are wearing a light colored sweater, blue jeans with ripped knees and dark sneakers. Outside the window is a white house with a red roof and a tree without leaves on the left. 

1. “I’m not like other girls.”

This phrase is especially common among younger women and girls. Its underlying misogyny is often misunderstood. On the surface, it might sound like a simple assertion of your individuality. Which would be fine, if it didn’t come at the expense of other women.

The subtext here claims you’re not like “most women” because “most women” are like those tedious old stereotypes: shallow, catty, materialistic, etc. YOU are distinctly apart from those girls. You’re a cool girl, the kind men would LIKE to have around. Just “one of the guys.”

But when you express this sentiment, what you’re really doing is buying into a patriarchal, myopic view of women. You should probably get out and make some badass lady friends to dispel that myth in your mind, stat.

2. “She’s a slut/prude.”

Do you judge women who have different sexual proclivities than you? Women who dress differently than you? Do you look down on sex workers? Then you, my friend, have some major internalised misogyny to wrestle with.

Think about the last time you heard a man called out for wearing revealing clothing, or for having sex in any quantity - pretty rare, right? That’s because patriarchal society places different expectations on women and men for their sexual behaviours. And in the judgement stakes, women rarely, if ever, come out the winners.

So, whenever you feel compelled to judge another woman for their sexual behaviour, pause and consider how you’d feel if the genders were reversed. Then remind yourself what another woman chooses to do with her body and what happens between consenting adults is none of your business. Just move on with your life. Easy!

3. “Real women are ...”

Unless your next words are “not robots,” you might want to stop right there. This phrase arose from the “real women have curves” movement, a well-meaning attempt at body positivity. The movement probably could have pulled it off, if it hadn’t resorted to the age-old tactic of pitting women against other women.

This one comes in a variety of guises: internet memes (“In a world of Kardashians be an Audrey”), pop lyrics (“She wears short skirts, I wear tee-shirts, she’s a cheerleader and I’m in the bleachers”), movies, etc. It gets particularly icky when men get involved. Anyone remember the “only dogs like bones” body shame tag? 

Additionally, the assertion there is a “real” kind of woman implies those who don’t adhere to this standard are imposters. As you might imagine, this mindset can have wildly transphobic implications. 

The bottom line is this: a woman is a woman if they identify as such. That’s it. End of Story. And if your idea of self-confidence comes from putting other women down, it’s built on a foundation of internalised misogyny and transphobia. It’s time to tear down that rocky, unstable foundation and start rebuilding a more inclusive one now. 

4. “I’m so fat!”

Growing up in a society that praises women’s looks above just about everything else takes a toll on the way you view your body. It often manifests in a fear of weight gain or of being perceived as unattractive (which is often unfairly boiled down to “fat”). There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a healthy body weight. We should all strive to be healthy as we can. But if you’ve ever eaten a big meal and wailed about how “fat” you are in the mirror, or hated your body because of it, you might be dealing with the inner sexism boogeyman.

5. “Gross! She’s too ...”

Think of the ways in which this sentiment can manifest: “She’s too fat/thin, made up/plain, pale/tanned, feminine/masculine” etc. But what it really boils down to is the myriad of criteria we’ve invented to judge women. If you have a strong, visceral reaction to another woman’s choices, especially when they have no impact on you, you have to ask yourself where that feeling is coming from. More often than not it’s, you guessed it, internalised misogyny!

If you’ve ever found yourself having any of these thoughts, don’t panic. A major part of being a feminist is changing harmful behaviours when you learn better. It’s a vital and never-ending process of self discovery that allows you to become a better activist, ally, and person in general. It can be incredibly difficult to disentangle learned beliefs and behaviours that stem from growing up and living every day in a patriarchal society. But it’s also valuable work.

Recognise that you’ve taken a big step by identifying the behaviour and wanting to change. Then take a deep breath and promise you’ll challenge this behaviour both within yourself and others. And remember: the journey of unlearning internalised misogyny starts with self-love and empowerment. So, be kind to yourself and get ready to be the biggest, baddest and freest feminist you can be.

You got this!

By: Siri Williams

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of the Sydney Feminists. Our Blogger and Tumblr serve as platforms for a diverse array of women to put forth their ideas and explore topics. To learn more about the philosophy behind TSF’s Blogger/ Tumblr, please read our statement here: https://www.sydneyfeminists.org/a 

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