Ask Auntie Kate: Everybody’s Auntie, Nobody’s Fool …

Dear Auntie,

What’s a good comeback for someone who says, “only women who are raped deserve to have an abortion”? 

Thanks,

M

Well for starters, that’s a horrible thing to say. That’s like saying “only people who have their nose broken from an assault deserve to have it fixed” or “car accident victims only warrant medical help if another driver smashes into them on purpose”. A woman shouldn’t need to be degraded and violated to warrant a termination.

People have accidents. Sometimes they’re freak accidents. Others are accidents waiting to happen. Or worse yet, people hurt other people on purpose. The reason behind someone’s need for medical care shouldn’t dictate their right to it. 

Furthermore, people can have an unwanted pregnancy for a plethora of agonising reasons and they should never be taken lightly. 

I could go on and on about people’s right to safe abortion ... and I will.

People against abortion often disregard the lack of sex education, access to contraception, pathetic support for single mothers, children in foster care, basic human rights, etc. If ‘pro-lifers’ were truly ‘pro-life,’ they’d include those already living.

Women deserve control over their own bodies, as they are the ones to bear the hardships of pregnancy, breastfeeding and childcare.

And before the ‘Not-all Daves’ open their man-holes about the non-deadbeat, single dads caring for their own children, women are statistically waaaaaaayyyyy more likely to be primary carers of their kids. But thanks for pointing that out Dave.

I saw a tweet recently about how if we could automatically transfer unwanted pregnancies to the fathers, abortion laws would change overnight.

Women have a right to a sex life without pregnancy. We live in a society where babies have a huge, life changing impact on mental and physical health, finances, mobility, and careers. Not to mention social services andchild support are utterly inadequate and difficult to access.

Uteruses are only impregnatable a few days a month, for a few decades. In comparison, testicles create like a gajillion sperm daily, for a person's entire life. If the spermanators can fund Viagra research, they can fund better contraception options. AND, they can make them free and easily available.

One love,

Auntie K8

Dear Auntie,

Recently, one of my best male friends stopped talking to me because I wouldn’t go out with him. He said I was leading him on and that I ‘friend zoned’ him. I didn’t even know he liked me, and I don’t think of him like that anyway. I’ve tried to apologise, but he refuses to look at me. It’s awkward and I feel bad cos he’s a nice guy.

What do I do?

From,

Alyssa

Dear Alyssa,

         

I’m so sorry you lost what you thought was a good friend. It’s never nice when someone drops out of your life for a confusing and unfair reason. But, rest assured, this dude has done you a massive favour.

Whenever someone I cared about shows me they are actually a massive douche canoe, I think about Keanu Reeves’ character in the Matrix dodging bullets. Think of those bullets as chauvinistic constructs, and you are Keanu.

For starters, (deeeeeep breath)

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS THE FRIEND ZONE!!!

I have been salty about this topic for years! The ‘Friendzone’ is just another concept the ‘menz’ have invented to protect their precious, fragile egos. This ridiculous notion that so many men seem to think women owe them sex is hard evidence of how toxic the patriarchy is. It also proves men truly think everything we do is about them. We wear make-up to impress them, we get dressed up for them. If we are friendly or polite or showing skin we must want to have disappointing sex with them.

All roads lead to Sexland, and the ‘fake friend’ route, is an indirect, disheartening one. It is objectification on yet another creepy level, and also where ‘soft boys’ (men who are not outwardly or aggressively abusive or physical) justify the phantasmagorical ‘nice guys finish last’ phenomena.

I’m sorry (not sorry) to say, Alyssa, your “nice guy” was feigning friendship because his conditioned man-brain can’t comprehend the simple notion that you are a human being who is worthy of a platonic relationship. He has lurked around, pretending to value you as a person, thinking it will eventuate in sex.

This covert behaviour is almost worse than men who are directly abusive or sleezy, as it is so manipulative and underhanded it makes me want to vomit on their man-buns.

I know someone can develop genuine feelings for a friend, and if they truly respect and like you, they won’t hold it against you for not reciprocating. Rejection and feeling vulnerable is never great, but it does help you grow as a person. Engaging in a fabricated ‘friendship’ with someone you secretly want to bone in the hope they will too, only to act like an atomic dookie loaf when they don’t, is covert, predatory and reeks of misogyny. This situation is not your fault. You owe no apology.

Another underwhelming aspect of this shitastic scenario is how many men seem to be unable to separate platonic, emotionally supportive relationships with sexual relationships.

Let me mansplain …

Due to our culture of toxic masculinity, blokes are often shamed for crying, being sentimental, or showing angerless emotion. This mindset can lead to men feeling comfortable being vulnerable only in the safe spaces women create for them.

More often than not, this role is almost exclusively held by wives/girlfriends. So,  fellas struggle to comprehend how a woman can maintain emotional connection and support but not want a bit of afternoon delight. I believe men are getting better at talking about their "icky" feelings with each other, and that will relieve some of the burden of emotional labour we’ve been charged with.

All people reserve the right to personal preference to flirt without anything further, or to act friendly and affectionate without it being misinterpreted. Hell, we even deserve the free-will to feel initial attraction and then change our feelings! Inconceivable I know.

Etiquette surrounding flirting has become so confusing, we often struggle to decode if it’s even happening. There’s a simple solution: open your word hole and communicate. Make your intent clear in a respectful way, hopefully ascertain if it’s mutual, try not to take it personally if it’s not, and flirting is only flirting if it’s reciprocated. One-sided flirting is called ‘harassment’.

To conclude, there’s no such thing as ‘the friend-zone’. It’s called ‘being friends’, and you deserve good ones.

One love,

Auntie Kate

Kate Beth, our resident ranter here at TSF, has been a successful and inspiring role model for young people throughout her extensive, international, dance-teaching career.

Now a passionate eco-feminist, writer, activist, and lecturer, (and ex-professional dancer turned artist), Kate is currently completing her honours degree in sociology exploring art therapy, ‘bully culture’, and intersectionalism.

Kate is honoured to help empower young feminists with brilliant advice, facts, 

sass, and effective rebuttals to help unravel all the mansplaining, gaslighting, hair splitting, sealioning, red herrings, and entitlement, that is the patriarchy.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of the Sydney Feminists. Our Blogger and Tumblr serve as platforms for a diverse array of women to put forth their ideas and explore topics. To learn more about the philosophy behind TSF’s Blogger/ Tumblr, please read our statement here: https://www.sydneyfeminists.org/a