Ask Auntie Kate - August Edition




Everybody’s Auntie, nobody’s fool …

Dear Auntie,

I’ve been reading a lot about feminism lately, but my bf is against it because he had a fight with a feminist last year. He gets fired up when I try to talk to him about it. Why does he get so angry? Any advice would be great. Oh. And he has a daughter and calls activists “social justice warriors.”

Ally

Wow, what a catch.

Sorry babe but tsk, tsk, tsk, *saddles up feminist high horse on top of soapbox.*

Oh Ally’s BF, is hanging onto your anger for one feminist worth disregarding billions of people’s basic human rights? Can you see how your inability to hold an adult discussion is indicative of your male privilege?? It’s an impotent no, to both.

Scorning and dismissing things that don’t affect you directly is the height of entitlement. Being white and male means you don’t experience the everyday challenges/dangers of being female or black. Refusing to respect that you are exempt from these types of threats/hardships or comparing them to YOUR personal perception (and then having the testes to get salty when someone tries to enlighten you) is why this world is a shitstorm of shit eating shitheads. 


As men have been conditioned to think this way and lack the empathy to see how women, POC, LGBTQIA community, people living with additional needs, and those living in poverty do not share their privilege, their cognitive dissonance is triggered if someone tries to correct them. Cognitive dissonance is when a person’s beliefs are contradicted by conflicting information. Thoughts opposed to theirs literally release rage in their limited minds. Information on how to start breaking this deep, psychological conditioning is limited.



  
Because men go through life speaking however they please and never thinking twice about walking home at night, being catcalled/harrassed, or worrying about what they wear or how they carry themselves etc., they think everyone lives this way. Until they hear of a woman/POC being abused, that is. Then that person suddenly has some twisted reason why the real victim should have carried themselves differently to avoid x, y, z.

But if something similar happens to them? Lord mercy, do we hear about how man-maths is somehow a valid argument against the overwhelming evidence of the oppression/abuse of women/children/POC/non-binaries the world over. 

It's so hard to explain to people the irony of witless flapmouths dismissing the stories of women, POC, the LGBTQIA and differently-abled communities, whilst simultaneously making something that doesn’t directly affect them all about them. Not-all-men resort to victim-blaming, except when they are the victim, and think isolated incidents counteract widespread, global, social plagues.

This point doesn’t mean a specific experience isn’t valid or traumatic - it means those experiences don't counteract human oppression on an endemic scale. 

There’s a difference between specifics and generalisations, and a BIG differentiation between a rare occurrence and something happening en masse. Neither major nor minor scale abuse is cool, and both exist together, not deducted from one another. It never ceases to amaze me how Not-all-men relentlessly regurgitate points like the tiny percentage of men assaulted by women, male suicide/homelessness rates, men being raped (by other men!), imbalances of paternal custody, and the hardships of living life with a massive set of balls. Like, no shit Dave, thanks for that. Last I checked, we don’t experience trauma in shifts. Like, one terrible experience doesn’t mean another terrible experience is void.

You have a responsibility to care about other people and the state of the world, ESPECIALLY if you have kids. Understanding sexism (and racism) is imperative to good parenting, dads need to be feminists to teach their sons accountability and nontoxic masculinity and set a satisfactory example as their daughters' first male role model. 

Something I wished I’d learnt a long time ago is when to cut noxious shit demons loose. The sooner you can identify toxic relationships, the better your life will be. I also wish I’d learnt conflict resolution, as a few people cut me loose. Try to observe people objectively, but be honest with yourself; will this person change and do I have the energy to wait for them? Have high standards, talk to trusted friends, if he truly loves you ... if it’s meant to be ... set it free ... blah, blah, blah, self-love. Find reliable information on abusive people, narcissism, emotional labour, basic psychology and, of course, keep reading about feminism. Our website has amazing resources.

Everyone is capable of change, but not everyone has the temperament, skills, or nuance to do so. Way too many people have stayed in toxic relationships waiting for people to change. 

Good luck Ally. I truly hope he can open his mind. But remember, it’s not your responsibility, and your gut is never wrong.

One Love,
Aunty Kate



Kate (our resident ranter here at TSF), has been a successful and inspiring role model for young people throughout her extensive, international, dance-teaching career.
Now a passionate eco-feminist, writer, activist, and lecturer, ex-professional dancer turned artist, Kate Beth is currently completing her honours degree in sociology exploring art therapy, ‘bully culture’, cognitive dissonance and intersectionalism.
Kate is honoured to help empower young feminists with brilliant advice, facts, sass, and effective rebuttals to help unravel all the mansplaining, gaslighting, hair splitting, sealioning, red herrings, and entitlement that is the patriarchy.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of the Sydney Feminists. Our Blogger and Tumblr serve as platforms for a diverse array of women to put forth their ideas and explore topics. To learn more about the philosophy behind TSF’s Blogger/ Tumblr, please read our statement here: https://www.sydneyfeminists.org/a


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