Ask Auntie Kate - August Edition
Everybody’s Auntie, nobody’s fool …
Dear Auntie,
I’ve been reading a lot about feminism lately, but my bf is
against it because he had a fight with a feminist last year. He gets fired up
when I try to talk to him about it. Why does he get so angry? Any
advice would be great. Oh. And he has a daughter and calls activists “social justice
warriors.”
Ally
Wow, what a catch.
Sorry babe but tsk, tsk, tsk, *saddles
up feminist high horse on top of soapbox.*
Oh Ally’s BF, is hanging onto your anger for one feminist worth disregarding billions of people’s
basic human rights? Can you see how your inability to hold an adult discussion is
indicative of your male privilege?? It’s an impotent no, to both.
Scorning and dismissing things
that don’t affect you directly is the height of entitlement. Being white and male means you
don’t experience the everyday challenges/dangers of being female or black. Refusing
to respect that you are exempt from these types of threats/hardships or
comparing them to YOUR personal perception (and then having the testes to get
salty when someone tries to enlighten you) is why this world is a shitstorm of shit eating shitheads.
This culture of pampered westerners getting sand in their cracks
because they can’t suspend their emotions long enough to listen, understand and
process marginalised people’s lived experience is caused by numerous factors. Parental
influence, school systems not teaching critical thinking, boys being taught
that their opinion is fact, and all types of otherising conditioning is rife within
our societies. The legal system and the media spruik victim blaming, advertising fucks all of us up, poverty is
criminalised, and privileged people believe their special treatment is a basic
right.
As men have been conditioned to
think this way and lack the empathy to see how women, POC, LGBTQIA community,
people living with additional needs, and those living in poverty do not share
their privilege, their cognitive dissonance is triggered if someone tries to correct them. Cognitive dissonance is when a person’s beliefs are
contradicted by conflicting information. Thoughts opposed to theirs literally
release rage in their limited minds. Information on how to start breaking this
deep, psychological conditioning is limited.
Because men go through life
speaking however they please and never thinking twice about walking home
at night, being catcalled/harrassed, or worrying about what they wear or how they carry
themselves etc., they think everyone lives this way. Until they hear of a
woman/POC being abused, that is. Then that person suddenly has some twisted
reason why the real victim should have carried themselves differently to avoid x,
y, z.
But if something similar happens
to them? Lord mercy, do we hear about how man-maths is somehow a valid argument against the
overwhelming evidence of the oppression/abuse of women/children/POC/non-binaries
the world over.
It's so hard to explain to
people the irony of witless flapmouths dismissing the stories of women, POC, the
LGBTQIA and differently-abled communities, whilst simultaneously making
something that doesn’t directly affect them all about them. Not-all-men resort
to victim-blaming, except when they are the victim, and think isolated
incidents counteract widespread, global, social plagues.
This point doesn’t mean a
specific experience isn’t valid or traumatic - it means those experiences don't counteract
human oppression on an endemic scale.
There’s a difference between
specifics and generalisations, and a BIG differentiation between a rare occurrence
and something happening en masse. Neither major nor minor scale abuse is cool,
and both exist together, not deducted from one another. It never ceases to
amaze me how Not-all-men relentlessly regurgitate points like the tiny
percentage of men assaulted by women, male suicide/homelessness rates, men
being raped (by other men!), imbalances of paternal custody, and the hardships of
living life with a massive set of balls. Like, no shit Dave, thanks for that. Last I checked, we don’t experience trauma in shifts. Like, one terrible
experience doesn’t mean another terrible experience is void.
You have a responsibility to
care about other people and the state of the world, ESPECIALLY if you have
kids. Understanding sexism (and racism) is imperative to good parenting, dads
need to be feminists to teach their sons accountability and nontoxic
masculinity and set a satisfactory example as their daughters' first male role
model.
Something I wished I’d learnt a
long time ago is when to cut noxious shit demons loose. The sooner you can
identify toxic relationships, the better your life will be. I also wish I’d
learnt conflict resolution, as a few people cut me loose. Try to observe people
objectively, but be honest with yourself; will this person change and do I have
the energy to wait for them? Have high standards, talk to trusted friends, if he truly loves you ... if it’s meant to be ... set
it free ... blah, blah, blah, self-love. Find reliable information on
abusive people, narcissism, emotional labour, basic psychology and, of course,
keep reading about feminism. Our website has amazing resources.
Everyone is capable of change, but not everyone has the
temperament, skills, or nuance to do so. Way too many people have stayed in
toxic relationships waiting for people to change.
Good luck Ally. I truly hope he
can open his mind. But remember, it’s not your responsibility, and your gut is
never wrong.
One Love,
Aunty Kate
Kate (our resident ranter here at TSF), has
been a successful and inspiring role model for young people throughout her
extensive, international, dance-teaching career.
Now a passionate eco-feminist, writer,
activist, and lecturer, ex-professional dancer turned artist, Kate Beth is
currently completing her honours degree in sociology exploring art
therapy, ‘bully culture’, cognitive dissonance and intersectionalism.
Kate is honoured to help empower young
feminists with brilliant advice, facts, sass, and effective rebuttals to help
unravel all the mansplaining, gaslighting, hair splitting, sealioning, red
herrings, and entitlement that is the patriarchy.
Disclaimer: The views
expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of the Sydney
Feminists. Our Blogger and Tumblr serve as platforms for a diverse array of
women to put forth their ideas and explore topics. To learn more about the
philosophy behind TSF’s Blogger/ Tumblr, please read our statement here: https://www.sydneyfeminists.org/a
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