I’m Not a Murderer: My body, my choice.

Image Source: https://www.mediamatters.org/huffpost/media-highlight-how-help-people-states-passing-restrictive-abortion-laws

“I can’t remember…” I stated, staring at my boyfriend at the time. Calculating the weeks in my head since my last menstrual cycle, I recalled all my recent bodily changes. My breasts were tender and enlarged, my tummy and hips looked bloated, the toilet was my new best friend, morning nausea visited me daily, my usual lightly grilled scallop sushi lunch repulsed me, and my craving for orange juice could never be satiated.  Dread consumed me. All signs pointed to one thing – pregnancy.  

Although I already had a strong inclination of what the result would be, I unwrapped the pregnancy test and held my breath, hoping for a different outcome. I waited. Two faint red lines slowly became visible. My eyes widened and pupils dilated. Oh, Fuck. Opening the bathroom door, I waved the stick in his face.

“I’m pregnant” I whispered, low enough so my parents couldn’t hear from the kitchen. They would've killed me if they knew I was having sex, let alone that I was pregnant; the anticipated shame and disapproval was unbearable. Reality hadn’t sunk in, this wasn’t real. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face or stop giggling (my annoyingly unconventional coping mechanism that always rears its head at extremely inappropriate times). Within a split second, we looked at each other and uttered the words “abortion” in unequivocal agreement. There were no second thoughts. I rang the clinic and scheduled an appointment. Thankfully, I lived in Canberra at the time, where abortion is legal, so accessing services was no issue.

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A fresh 21-year-old with an unplanned pregnancy. Not a situation I thought I’d be in. I can say without guilt that I simply didn’t want a baby and that was my reason. I was just beginning my life and journey; I had ambitions and hoped to move to Sydney and make something of my life. I was still learning and forming my identity, discovering what I liked and disliked, figuring out my boundaries and life direction. I was working full time as a junior event planner, a career I thought I wanted to pursue (although I ended up leaving after 3 months). I loved shopping, partying and socialising; this was a time for me and me only. 

I wanted to be a young person.  I put myself first.  That’s not selfish.

I don’t feel bad. I do not regret or dwell on my decision to terminate the pregnancy. Cold-hearted? No, it was my choice and the right decision for me. 

I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about the person that could have been. But, having a baby, who’d be 7 years old now, was not what I wanted. I wouldn’t have achieved what I have in the past 8 years if I kept the baby. I’ve moved to Sydney, completed a double degree in Gender Studies and Social Work, begun a Masters, started my own organisation, solo-travelled, and learnt who I am as a person. I had the privilege of making a choice about my body and reproductive system without the fear of facing jail time. I had the funds to terminate the pregnancy and services available to me. If I were in NSW at the time, the story would’ve had a very different outcome. A doctor would have had to conduct an assessment and determine whether having a child would have severe impacts upon my mental or physical health. I would not have fit this criterion. I would have had a baby that I wasn’t ready for or wanted to have. When trying to raise a child in a home that can't afford to financially or emotionally support them, parents can have difficulty meeting the child's needs. This affects the child's development and can have long and short term consequences, both immediate and later in life. 

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Contrary to belief and ‘motherly instinct’, I don’t feel guilty. My biological makeup and child-bearing capability don’t automatically determine my feelings, my choice, nor my pathway in life. My body is my choice. I am not a murderer. This is a secret I have kept from my family, many friends, and society in fear of stigmatization and shame. My silence is finally lifted - and I feel empowered.

I am a person with my own needs, feelings, thoughts and goals; my life IS a life. I feel pro-life campaigners tend to forget about the value and rights of the human carrying the baby; a very paradoxical and illogical position that goes against the very essence of the pro-life argument. Fighting against choice, self-determination and governance is not pro-life.

I’m sure you can tell I am pro-choice. Choice gives agency, autonomy and ultimate power to the individual to make a decision about their body and reproductive health. To deny choice is to reinforce patriarchy and authoritarianism that promote conservative gender roles and foster a hierarchical social order. That’s oppression. A woman is more than her reproductive system. She should be able to choose to have or not have a baby without fear of  ‘going against the natural order’, being labelled a murderer, stigmatised or prosecuted.

Image Source: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-08-14/sydney-morning-briefing-wednesday-august-13/11411416

Current laws in NSW criminalise abortion. These laws are archaic, parochial, patriarchal and in stark opposition to human rights. Criminalising abortion is detrimental to a woman’s physical and mental health and can encourage the sourcing of unsafe termination methods, including knitting needles, wire, coat hangers, and unprescribed medications (Doctors Without Borders, 2019). The World Health Organisation “…defines unsafe abortion as a procedure for terminating a pregnancy performed by persons lacking the necessary skills or in an environment not in conformity with minimal medical standards, or both” (Ganatra et al.). Unsafe abortions account for an estimated 8% of maternal mortality rates. That’s roughly 22,800 deaths annually across the globe (Guttmacher Institute 2017). Keep in mind, that’s only the documented incidents as well.  Decriminalisation gives women the option to access (medically) safe, clean and affordable abortion services, free from the threat of prosecution. In addition, services can improve the quality of resources, intervention, and practices. 

As I am sure you’re aware, Independent MP Alex Greenwich tabled a bill last week to decriminalise abortion in NSW. It is currently being debated, but has passed the Lower House 59 to 31 (Hair, n.d.). The debate continues next week. We are to pay homage to all the women and feminists at the forefront of fight, who have dedicated their time and continuously fought for our voices and rights. Let’s continue to put pressure on NSW Parliament to ensure decriminalisation is passed; write, email or call your Local MP to support the bill. Abortion is to be taboo no-more. 

By: Kate Hutchinson, BA (Gender Studies) and final year Social Work Student

References:

Doctors Without Borders. (2019). Unsafe abortion: A forgotten emergency. http://safeabortioncare.msf.org/en/:

Guttmacher Institute 2017, Induced Abortions Worldwide Fact Sheet: www.guttmacher.org/sites/default/files/factsheet/fb_iaw.pdf

Ganatra, B, Tuncalp, O, Bart Johnson, H, Johnson Jr, B, Gulmezoglu, AM & Temmerman, M 2014, From concept to measurement: operationalising WHO’s definition of unsafe abortion, Bulletin of the World Health Organization 2014;92:155. doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.2471/BLT.14.136333

Hair, J. (n.d.). Bill to decriminalise abortion passes NSW Lower House. Retrieved from ABC News: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-08-08/abortion-vote-passes-nsw-lower-house/11394454

Suggested reading:

World Health Organisation 2017, Worldwide, an estimated 25 million unsafe abortions occur each year, WHO, 28 September: www.who.int/news-room/detail/28-09-2017-worldwide-an-estimated-25-million-unsafe-abortions-occur-each-year

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of the Sydney Feminists. Our Blogger and Tumblr serve as platforms for a diverse array of women to put forth their ideas and explore topics. To learn more about the philosophy behind TSF’s Blogger/ Tumblr, please read our statement here: https://www.sydneyfeminists.org/a